OK, so some people will have their panties in a twist over the title to this article. Admittedly, it’s a bit clickbaitish, but not without good reason. How to train your woman like a dog is a title that pays homage to Karen Salmansohn’s book, “How to Make Your Man Behave in 21 Days or Less Using the Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers.” It is just one offering in an entire genre of literature that people would say is dehumanizing to men. That is, if they cared about men.
So, if you are triggered by the title of this piece, imagine how many shits I have that I don’t give. Unless you can document your public objection to “men as dogs” literature, I don’t want to hear a thing you have to say. With that, let’s move past the sardonic introduction to this article and into what I am really saying.
One, I am not equating women to dogs, and not just because dogs are loyal and unconditionally loving. I am actually starting with the proposition that no human beings, male or female, rise to the level of a canine in terms of worthiness. If we remember that, and don’t expect perfection from ourselves or others, it really helps avoid disappointment.
By the way, I got a request for this article in the comments of my last video. So with a tip of the fedora to Animatronic for the request, here we go.
We start with the critical basics, the stuff of which you must be aware before attempting any of the more fine-tuned suggestions I am going to offer.
First and foremost, any woman you can’t bear to lose is a woman you can’t train.
That’s it. Fini. End of freaking story. There is nothing women are more acutely attuned to than your willingness or lack thereof to let her go. It is not something you can hide. She knows about it, maybe better than you do, and she will use it to play on every fear and insecurity you have when getting her way creates a conflict.
That takes us to our second basic.
Be prepared to see her go.
Look, this isn’t Cosmo. There are no “three easy steps” to jack shit when it comes to relationships. There are no guarantees, no surefire plans. As I said in my last video, relationships are usually a battle for your soul. There is no shortage of women in this world who will not stay in a relationship unless she can own yours.
There are some women who can be trained out of that mentality, but most of them can’t, which means your choice of who you enter a relationship with up front is a critical matter. The fact of the matter is simple. Your job here is much more to run off non-hackers than it is to keep a harpy around and get her to act like she is something other than a harpy. Capiche?
So when I say be prepared to see her go, I mean to expect it in most cases. In later articles, we can get into some suggestions on how you cultivate the level of detachment required to make that easier, but for now, suffice it to say that you probably already know how dependent you are on keeping a woman. The more dependent, the more difficult your job.
If you are the kind of man who just can’t help doing anything to maintain a woman’s approval, then you are better off not being around women at all – except maybe as an example to other men of what not to be. If, however, your days of kissing a woman’s ass just to keep her around are behind you, then you are ready to consider the third and final basic.
Know your values and what you want from a relationship before you step into the ring with a woman.
Animatronic said in his comment that it had to be about more than just having and maintaining values, and he is correct. But barely. Knowing and maintaining your values is, in my estimation, about 90% of the job. And it is one of the basics that you simply can’t overlook. After all, speaking seriously here, we are not talking about training a dog. Unlike humans, you don’t have to compromise with dogs and they don’t hold grudges.
Relationships with human beings, even between male friends, involve a series of compromises, giving and taking, and making some allowance for the individual preferences and traits of both people. The only things you have to guide the decisions you make are common sense and your values, one of them necessarily being self-respect.
In fact, the nature of most healthy male friendships serves as the perfect model of what is missing in most male to female relationships. In the latter, men have a nearly universal tendency to make their values as negotiable as movie night, or even easier. Most men who are otherwise loyal to a fault will flush a long-time male friend down the toilet without a thought over a woman they have known two weeks.
Of course, the woman who stands by and watches that with a nod of approval isn’t worth the time of day, but in fairness to her, she isn’t the problem. The man who betrays a friend, and thereby himself, over a skirt is the problem. Keeping yourself off that slippery gynocentric slope is relatively simple, even if most men don’t find it that easy.
You need basic standards for your relationships with women, some lines in the sand which you won’t let her cross on day one or day one thousand. The way to let women know about these standards is also very simple. All you have to do is tell them. That is, tell them directly and honestly the moment that you establish you are not just two ships passing in the night.
This practice is counter-intuitive, even unthinkable for gynocentric men. They won’t let little things like personal values and self-respect get in the way of getting a woman’s approval. Then again, these are the men who end up writing me asking for help when she gets around to destroying them.
I have some standards to suggest to prevent that. And by “suggest” I mean that in the same way that I suggest skydivers pull the rip cord before they hit the ground. These suggestions will make perfect sense to you if you think about them in terms of the standards you would apply to your friendships with other men. So keep that in mind as we go.
Standard one. Reciprocity. That means exactly what it says. No one gets their way all the time. Or at least they shouldn’t. It’s a rule that applies to everything. From what you watch on TV to where you take a vacation to space in the home and how it is all paid for. It means each person’s interests and the responsibility for pursuing them are balanced with the other’s.
I don’t suggest any manipulative ploys with the great numbers of women who struggle with this basic math. I can only suggest reminding them, as you will surely need to do on many occasions, that two plus two sometimes equals no. This is where your preparedness to let her go comes into play, full force. If she can’t take a no, let her go. But for pity sake, if you don’t have the spine to say no, if you would rather be on your knees than be alone, then don’t whine about the fact that her desires dominate your life.
I will give you a little more on how to deliver that no in:
Standard two. Fairness. Now, at first glance, this could appear to just be another way to reframe standard one, reciprocity. It is not really the same thing.
Every man knows, instinctively, whether he is dealing with someone who has fairness in mind vs someone who is constantly angling to get their way. When fairness is the standard for both sides of a relationship, there is an ease in the air that is obvious. Both people are watching out for the other’s interests. Neither one is uptight about the outcome of much of anything. This is really common in the early, infatuated stage of a romantic relationship, marked by two people tripping over each other to be nice. You know what happens later on.
I can offer a personal example of how it works long term with men. I go to lunch pretty much every week with a buddy I met in my twenties. We take turns picking the place to eat and take turns paying. Every discussion goes about the same way, with each of us offering the other the opportunity to be the one to pick. Now, I am sure there are days when my friend would really rather have Mexican than the Indian place I picked. Just as there are some days I am a lot more in the mood for Thai food than the Chinese place of his choosing. But it doesn’t matter to either one of us. The thing is that mutual graciousness benefits the friendship more than where we eat.
And to grown-ups, where you have lunch is not a matter of life and death. This might seem like an inane or even silly example, but it really isn’t. That core of mutual support and respect is a necessity for durability and quality of any relationship. Which is what most men find impossible to have with a woman.
For instance, if you take the situation I just described with my weekly lunches and apply it to a monogamous couple, you usually get a different scenario. What many men will tell you is that she will want the pretense of fairness while at the same time getting her way.
One way she will accomplish this is to ask you where you want to eat, then shoot down every idea you come up with. With many men, after a woman shoots down enough of their ideas, they just relent and ask her where she wants to eat. Which of course is what she wanted.
Another tactic they use is to give in to your choice, then complain about the meal all the way through it. The M.O. here is to rob you of the enjoyment of making your choice. The message is simple, you may get to choose things here and there, but she will make you suffer for doing so. With time, it wears men down to the point that they just give her the decisions to make.
These techniques on the part of women apply to a hell of a lot more than lunch. The answer, of course, when faced with this kind of conduct, is to go to lunch or do whatever else you had planned by yourself or with someone else, and to tell her why you are doing it.
You have to be explicit. Some women are so accustomed to using this kind of manipulation that they are barely aware of doing it. So, it has to be broken down very simply. Look her in the eye very calmly and tell her, “I am going to go without you because you either get your way or you try to ruin things for me if I get mine. I don’t do things with anyone under those conditions.” Don’t argue with her about it, or try to bargain. Just say it and go.
Some men will find that difficult because they will feel guilty. Men frequently feel guilty for taking care of themselves. Do it anyway. If you are insistent and consistent, she will be cornered into one of two choices. Change or leave. If you are prepared to accept either one, then you can’t lose. Your calmness in this is critically important.
Sometimes, in order to muster the willingness to set limits, men deliver a no like it was on the end of a Louisville Slugger. After all, there is a great deal of understandable frustration involved. Usually, by the time guys actually say something about a relationship’s inherent unfairness, they have had a bellyful of it. All the more reason to catch this stuff early.
Disregarding a bitches bitchosity because you are attracted to her is like turning yourself into a time bomb. So, look at this as an opportunity to teach, one that may well fail, but not as a war to win. I suggest a softer, more adult tone. I use the term adult, and not paternal or parental for reasons I will explain in a bit.
Suffice it, for now, to say that women, people for that matter but women especially, tend to respond better to calm leadership than anger. Remember, most women in this culture are, by male emotional standards, grossly immature. They have never had the demands of emotional maturation placed on them. In fact, there is significant social pressure for women to remain stuck in perpetual childhood. That is why they become such confounding, demanding and entitled pains in the ass in relationships.
Like it not, if you are going to achieve any sense of real peace with a woman in a relationship, you will either have to find a unicorn (lots of luck with that), or you will have to train her into enough maturity to make relative peace attainable. And you have to do it constantly prepared and willing to see her exit.
I hate to keep beating this long-dead horse, but if you aren’t prepared to see her leave, then you are wasting your time. Most women will find the allure of the child’s life too enticing to remain in a place where adulthood is required. But your job is not to appeal to most women. Your job is to work effectively with women who are the possible exceptions.
That brings us to our third and final standard.
Standard Three: Adulthood.
In one of the previous videos I did with Peter Wright, Chasing the Dragon, I elaborated how women use superstimuli to exploit men’s natural instincts, or, if you prefer, train a man like a dog. This especially refers to the ploy of artificial neoteny via making themselves look, sound and feel much younger than they are. This ploy evokes what neurobiologists refer to as the parental brain, a primitive interaction that locks the man into the parent role in charge of a petulant and needy child.
But that is a transaction we need to revisit, which we can do by using Eric Berne’s transactional analysis. Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis, set forth a model showing three states of being that people typically inhabit. In brief summary, they are parent, adult and child.
The negative aspects of the child state, which is where most women reside during relationship conflict, are irrationality, rebelliousness, insecurity, intentionally being difficult and throwing tantrums. The parent state is a dysfunctional reaction to the child. The parent is rigid, judgmental, controlling, critical, and finger pointing.
This is where many men end up when in conflict with the woman-child, and it is why I did not suggest a paternal response to women’s childishness. It is understandable how men get there, but just because something is understandable does not mean it will direct you to the outcome you want. Being negatively parental only results in cyclical conflict. It helps her justify being a child. The parent state may be useful just to maintain your boundaries. It is certainly better than yielding to the child because that will only lead to more self-inflicted anger on your part.
The objective is to maintain yourself as the adult, which Berne describes as reasonable, rational, logical, non-threatening, and very, very importantly, non-threatened. That non-threatened part informs her that you won’t be manipulated, not by threats of her leaving or anything else. The adult, after all, is precisely how you want her to be, unless there is something wrong with you.
I realize this is a big ask. Dealing with a chronic child is not only frustrating, it is an abusive situation. Asking the victim to be the one to take the reigns as an adult isn’t exactly fair. Then again, fare is what you pay on the bus, and we need to go with what may work over what feels good.
Between the two of you, you are likely the only one who has had the adult expectations placed on you in life. Between the two of you, you are the one most likely to be able to teach, and, unfortunately, to learn. In that light, holding your own feet to the fire about the position you take is a must.
This talk would not be complete without pointing out even if you are incredibly insightful, composed and naturally skilled at this sort of thing, it is still a roll of the dice. Like I said, there are no assurances.
And I am sure that someone or more than one person will show up in the comments and triumphantly declare that they don’t have to worry about all this mess because they have sworn women off. Fair enough. It is not like swearing women off is irrational. But the point is that just swearing off women completely is not an option most men, or even most MGTOW are going to take.
There is a natural tendency in human beings to pair bond, and watching 10,000 videos on YouTube is not going to undo that. Most men will seek attachment. That is who I have in mind when writing these articles. As I will in all of them, I remind you that marriage is not a requirement for attachment. Men who deny that do so at their own peril.
It is tempting to call this part one of a series of articles on training women to act like adults. I will resist that because nearly all the articles on An Ear for Men are about training women to become adults. The most effective way to do that is to encourage men and support them for settling for nothing less from women, and from themselves.
With that I leave you with the promise that two articles a week will continue, all of them dedicated in one way or another to the radical idea that women are adults, and should be expected to act like it. With that is also the message that the only thing stopping any man from getting off the bitch train is his personal choices.