Ok, so you have been married for a while. The honeymoon is over and the reality is setting in that the early days of your relationship, that perfect time filled with laughter, closeness, and hot sex, is over. She is nagging you more than you ever thought she would. She is chronically unhappy and it is starting to rub off on you.
You used to look forward to seeing her after a day’s work, but now when you are with her it seems like just more work. You are starting to wonder how your relationship turned into a second job, one you like even less than your first job.
Your weekends, which you used to like, are now emotional marathons. You pray for overtime and find more and more excuses to leave the house alone. Your conflicts, which you used to solve with relative ease, have become dead ends, each and every one. Every time you try to solve a problem it ends up feeling like you are circling the drain because she seems incapable of a single rational thought.
And then, she hits you with it. It may come at the tail end of a heated argument. Or perhaps during a quiet moment you hear her utter the words “we need to talk” or something like that. Only you know that “we need to talk” doesn’t mean both of you. It means she needs to talk, and she needs you to listen. To her, it just feels better to make it sound like she wants an actual conversation.
So, you roll your eyes or fidget in your chair, or quietly swear to yourself or do whatever it is you do when you see the freight train of her disapproval barreling down on you. You know it is coming, so you might as well say it. You hear yourself say “OK,” resigned to the inevitable and brace yourself for the impact.
This time, though, it is different. Instead of her standard complaints du jour about where you left your shoes or how much time you spend on videos or some other shit that is not about her, she tells you that she is concerned about your relationship. She wants the problems you two are going through to find a solution. She wants whatever is plaguing both of you to be solved. She says she wants you both to see a marriage counselor.
Ok guys, I really want you to listen up here. No seriously, c’mere a little closer. I want to make sure you hear this.
There now. Are you listening?
“Don’t fucking do it!” “For the love of everything holy don’t fucking do it”
You are better off going to the airport and screaming Allahu fucking Akbar in the security area. Jail sucks, and the cops might even put a pounding on you, but it is nothing compared to the ass kicking you are going to get if you are dumb enough to go with her to a marriage counselor.
First, let’s get a couple of points of bullshit straight from the beginning. One, she is not trying to find solutions to your relationship problems. Well, in her mind she is because in her mind, you’re the problem. If she can get you fixed, then her problems will be solved. She has no idea at all that she is, in fact, the source of a lot of relationship problems. She sees relationship counseling as a solution almost instinctively. Like I said, she isn’t the problem and she damn well knows it so she isn’t worried about that.
Also, women are unconsciously aware that the deck is stacked in their favor in marriage counseling. She just knows that if she can corral you in a marriage counselor’s office, it’ll be tag team bronco busting time and yes, you’re the bronco.
The other bit of bullshit I can clear up for you is to tell you that she is absolutely right about that last part. The chances are that if you go with her into a marriage counselor’s office, your problems will have puppies because that deck is, in fact, stacked against you.
Look, get this and get it good. Traditional therapy, especially marriage counseling, is a female dominated consumer product. Marriage therapists know the rules as well as real estate agents. If you don’t please the woman you can kiss your business goodbye. Kinda resembles most marriages in that way. If you think marriage counselors rise above that to provide unbiased, professional services, please slap yourself in the face really hard and tell yourself to wake up.
Remember, the core of modern psychological training is ideological. That includes academicians that are steeped in an idea of male privilege, patriarchy and whatever other made-up non-realities they are teaching in schools these days. Even if they weren’t avaricious blowhards with advanced degrees in conjecture, they come from a standard of indoctrination that informs them you are freaking wrong before you ever walk in the door. That you have power and privilege packed in your pee pee and that at least part of the solution is to get you off your high horse. There will never be enough time in their sessions to address the fact that you don’t have a high horse or any other horse for that matter.
In other words, gents. If you are married to an insufferable, insatiable bitch who wants to go into counseling to solve problems, you will find yourself sitting in front of two insufferable, insatiable bitches, both of whom want you to clean your sorry act up and start acting respectable. It won’t even matter if the second bitch is a man. The outcome will be the same.
Just like every other area of life, there are unicorns. Lot’s of luck finding one. Oh, and in the event that you like stepping on nails, sifting through hot coals with your bare fingers or stabbing yourself in the eye with a pencil, and if you still want to give this a shot, you will need some help trying to find that unicorn.
Tell you what. Google Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for whatever city you are in. Print out all 150 pages of returns and tack them up to a wall. Now, stand with your back to that wall on one foot and throw the dart backward over your shoulder. If you are right-handed, use your left hand and vice versa. Then hop backward on one foot till the end of the dart sticks in your back. That part isn’t necessary to pick your therapist. I just wanted you to get familiar with something sticking in your back.
Finally, turn around and see the therapist the dart landed on. There’s your huckleberry.
Doing things this way is as good as doing them any other. Seriously guys. If you have problems in your marriage, the best thing you can do is to work on yourself. You might start by asking yourself why you are willing to live with all this misery to begin with. Come up with the right answer to that and you won’t need a fucking marriage counselor.